of Naval Officers’ Appointments (E)(SM)
Sea Lord & CINCNAVHOME
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling mountains and skiing
couloirs. I have been known to remodel submarines in my lunch breaks,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
staff requirements for the PE, I write award-winning articles for Navy
News, I manage time efficiently.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike sincerity, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook a boiled
egg in 3 minutes. I am an expert in Black Adder, a veteran in love, and
an outlaw in Peru.
I enjoy urban parachuting. I am the subject of numerous DCI’s. On
Wednesdays, after work, I repair oscillating fans free of charge. I
never cheat at squash. I am a fearless canoeist. Under pressure, I rely
on chirpy optimism, I never panic. Occasionally, I tread water for three
days in a row.
I am an abstract creator, a generous tipper, and a ruthless gigolo. I
once turned down an offer from London Zoo for my trouser snake, lounge
lizard and tent rhino. Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of
walking shorts. I can defecate and ski at the same time.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
Last summer I toured Barbados with a traveling libido. My eyebrows have
earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic. I have exchanged groins,
advised the UN, and won the Nobel Peace prize in 1994 for my amusing
anecdote on uses of the unemployed. Years ago I discovered the meaning
of life, but forgot to write it down.
I once read FLAGO’s, QRRN’s and the Koran in one day and still
had time to complete an entire attic conversion that evening. I am a
legendary Kart racer. I know the exact location of every food item in
the kitchen. I have performed several covert operations for 14 Int. I
sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.
I am the special person in my life. I am an unstable extrovert, a
whisky connoisseur and the perfect son. While on holiday in Africa, I
donated a kidney to save the life of a young Massai girl; then had sex
I have made extraordinary four course chicken meals using only a
candle and a toaster. I breed prize-winning clematis in my roof garden.
I have won the Cresta in St Moritz, tennis matches in Wimbledon, and
friends worldwide. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, I have survived Shuttlecock, and I have spoken with Elvis.
BUT I HAVE NOT YET GONE TO SEA AS A WEO !