snake encounter

Infantry: Tracks snake through jungle with blowpipe (awaiting mods). Snake smells them and leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills snake. Tabs to objective.

Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as it has no impact on the primary objective - to hold London at all costs.

Commando: Plays with snake, they get naked together then eats snake.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical doctrine for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeat the snake using mobility assets. No one listens. Snake falls in hole dug by Infantry and drowns.

Artillery: Kills snake with massive time on target barrage. Mission is a success and all participants are awarded medals for valour.

SF: Makes contact with snake, ignores all Foreign Office directives and CJTF ROE by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim.

Royal Navy: Fires missiles (various) from ships (various). Kills snake - P(Kill) 0.95. Makes presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of anti-snake operations.

TA: Kills snake by accident during weekend away.

RAF: Obtains GPS co-ordinates for snake. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea for Royal Navy to sort out. Returns to base for fuel, crew rest and manicure.

Joint Helo Command: Unable to locate snake due to poor IR signature.

Int Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of the 35 indicators of snake presence are currently active. Assess potential for snake activity as Low.


Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table.  Dissects snake.


Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of  1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas do not know what they are talking about.  High profile 2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.  Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.


Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.


Adjutant General: Determines that snake is not black, female, gay or disabled.  Loses interest in snake.

Logistician/Support Engineer: Build pub. Gut and stuff snake. Mount over bar. Name pub 'The Snake Pit'.


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