Suggestions for the submariner who misses the 'good old days' on the boat:
Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.
Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.
Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea
Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again.
Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen
Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease
Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster General -Arriving" so that everyone in the house can hear you.
Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand u p through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive through as many big puddles as possible.
Have your kids stand at attention every time you enter the room and make them state quite loudly, "Attention on Deck' or "Make a Hole".
Start every story with "This is no-shit".
Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds. Also install a multi-channel entertainment system over your rack that don't work.
Install the system above where it will cause a 6 inch vacuum In the bedroom.
Hire about 20 drunks to come into you house about 1 in the morning and start cooking.
Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific gravities.
Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sock.
Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope - or, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. En sure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained aboard Navy ships.
Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
Surround yourself with 125 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language.
Unplug all radios and TV's to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Naval Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
Lock the bathrooms twice a day for a four hour period.
Practice taking a shower with a quart of water.
Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares if it day or night.
Listen to your favorite CD 6 times/day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.